"I wish these bitches would just back up off me..."

A brief glimpse into my life: a transcript.

"Ray, I miss you. It's been so long since you touched me. This isn't all about you, you know. I have needs too. Needs that you haven't even begun to address, and if this continues, I don't know if this relationship is going to work. Are you even listening to me? Look at me when I'm talking to you! God! You're so selfish. All you ever do is talk about yourself. 'Look at me, I'm Ray Lai. I think I'm so funny!' Well guess what Ray? You're not! You're...you're just not! And until your ready to make a real commitment, I don't think I want to see you anymore."

"Look BLOG. You're not even a human being. You can't TALK. This is ridiculous. This conversation is over. Oh, oh, you are SO not walking away from me, I am walking away from you. Oh, do NOT give me that look. I am NOT going to fall for that again. I will get to you when I bloody feel like it, you got that? Huh? What's that? NO! I'm the man around here! I'm the man! You're not the boss of me! Forget you!"

And then it just got a little weird.

Don't You Know the Dewey Decimal System?!

I nearly forgot to mention this:
Yesterday morning, during my second day of work at the Giant Robot store, one of my personal heroes came in, and folks, I can now proudly say that, after the countless times he has managed to make me burst forth in laughter, I have officially made Weird Al Yankovic laugh. That's right, Mr. I Love Rocky Road himself.

People, I don't know if you can possibly grasp how much this means to me, but the man made UHF. I really shouldn't have to say more. If you don't know why I don't have to say more because you haven't seen the film, you shouldn't be reading this. You should be cursing yourself as you access your automobile, or your preferred mode of transportation, and make your way to your favorite neighborhood video store and rent it. NOW!

Maybe I can do this whole jester thing...

Don't hate the player, hate the hate.

So I did an open mic for comedy tonight at a place right down the street from my house. Literally, I rode my bike there. Which, as it turns out, was perfectly fitting because, as I learned from 2(!) other comedians tonight, get this, Asians can't fucking drive! Ha ha, very funny mother fucker! And the thing is, I know I shouldn't be offended because I make fun of white people all over my act, and frankly, many asians I know can't drive including myself, but man, it still chaps my hide. And the more I thought about it, I realized why this was. It was because, while I wanted to call them out on their hack material, I couldn't, because upon closer examination of my own material, I made the not-so-startling discovery that 95% of MY material is hack. FUCK!!

Man, it sucks to be a perpetrator of that which you hate on. What sucks even more is that this applies to every creative endeavor I pursue, whether it be comedy, or music, or films...or sex. Man...I really gotta stop hatin'.

Love is truly all you need.